Sadness and Depression

    Mournfulness is not a weakness. It is for many a psychological necessity. It is one of the slow-winding avenues of sorrow and loss. It is part of the mournful work of saying good-bye to our beloved. 
    Thus, feeling sad, alone or despondent is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one. For good reason: a significant person can no longer share our life. The mind, body, and spirit have been scarred. However, if one continues to become increasingly withdrawn, "stuck" in unbearable agony, the once-temporary suffering could mask serious clinical depression. Depression is the "common cold" of emotional loss affecting as many as one in five people of all ages. 
    Clinical depression is quite different from occasionally feeling "the blues." Depression affects our thinking, feelings and behavior. Persistent feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and hopelessness are signals that this illness could even lead to suicide. Our first step is immediate caring intervention. Depression is one of the most successfully managed mood disorders. Fully 80 to 90 percent are able to recover through counseling, medication and newly acquired self-care skills. Some people do well with psychotherapy, some with antidepressants. Some do best with combined treatments. 
    It is vitally important that we utilize the resources within ourselves and in our community. For referral information we might contact our family physician or clergyperson. Self-help organizations and mental health centers may also be beneficial. 
    By itself, time does not heal. It depends upon how we use our time. Obtain a proper "fit" between your personality and that of a therapist. There are excellent services available to those experiencing the emotional problems of a beloved’s death. We are not alone. Depression can begin to lift and gradually the sun may shine a little brighter day by day.

Alone and Loneliness

There is a vast difference between alone and loneliness. When the bereaved are asked what hurts the most, a frequent response is loneliness. We may have lost our confidante, ally, lover, protector, as well as the one to nurture. A widower said: "I lost the most important person in my life." A widow: "I loved baking his favorite pineapple upside-down cake. Now I have no one to cook for." Another: "I even miss the arguments. He was a conservative Republican and I’m a liberal Democrat." 
    Death is an assault on the meaning of life itself. Loneliness is part of the complex emotions of grief. We long for a past that cannot be retrieved—the part that we invested in another and was reciprocated in kind. This gaping hole—this painful state—is a verification of what we meant to each other. 
    We do not diminish another’s importance by finding peace in being alone. Life does not end with the death of a beloved. That is why we need a center of calmness and quietness. Loneliness is the pain in being alone; aloneness is the enjoyment of tranquility in being alive. 
    One widower said: "I truly miss my wife. But honestly, I also enjoy the trivial freedoms of living alone. I can get up early or late, turn the volume on the stereo up and the TV off, sit at my computer at 3 a.m. Alone, pleasing no one but myself I keep exploring our wonderful life together.

by Rabbi Earl Grollman, DHL, DD